Relationships and finding partners

According to my shrink, and I totally concur with her, all people's relationships are games, over the rules of which they have no control, being jerked around, like marionettes, by blocked out memories, shards of past emotions, reactive patterns of behaviour sitting beneath their conscious mind.

So when people look for love and relationships, they simply chase invisible shadows in their minds, projecting them on reality. It is a pure accident if a real person fits the bill, because the criteria are hardly known to the chaser. That is, unless they've been through a successful therapy.

In touch with your feelings

It sure is fine and dandy to be in touch of your feelings. It is great to express them,not suppress them.

But do you know if they are your true emotions or just a script (reactive behaviour pattern, or demons as they used to call them) sitting in you and jerking you around. You think that you are so in love and can't live without this person, but in fact it is that whimpering little boy or girl in you that your Dad did not hug enough when you were small so now you are looking for just anyone who will satisfy that craving, fill in that void inside you. You pick on on those clues - that you are not even consciously aware of - choose you victim and pounce down on them.

You sure be better off not giving voice to that trapped negative emotion, because it is not you and it won't be you speaking if you let it speak and, in all likelihood, it won't be saying anything nice! So keep a lid on it and work it out on your own. Don't bring this voice to your nice relationship meal!

Relationship is like a meal

'What we look for in a relationship?' a friend asked me today.

For me it starts at the other end: not what you are looking for in a relationship but what you have to bring to the table and share with the other one.

It's like a meal: you share nice stuff, not your waste. You also need to find someone who will like what you have to share. You also would not like someone who brings their waste to the table. It's perfectly alright to want to have nice things for your meal, right?

It should not be the other diner's responsibility to gut, scale and cook your fish - bring a nicely seared medium tuna steak! Cook your own contribution well, don't assume cooking the other's offering as your responsibility, although you may want to help if you see they are struggling.

You also may want to make sure that what you bring does not cause allergies or indigestion in the other. That's what we call caring.

You don't need to bring the same stuff, we all are different. One can bring the starter, the main and the cheese, the other - the soup, the wine and the dessert. What matters is that you have a complete meal that both find satisfying.

When both parties understand these ground rules, it makes for a perfect relationship. I would think this all is but wishful thinking if I didn't know a couple who are exactly like that: Dusko and Mack, I'm talking about you guys, you're such a beautiful couple inside out! In the last two years, they have treated me to dozens of wonderful meals and now I know the meaning of that.

Games we play in relationships: narcissist and co-dependent

There is a very old Russian joke: What is a perfect couple? - A sadist and a masochist.

How very true: they must be inseparable, both fulfilling each other's needs. On the flipside, it is a very destructive relationship, akin to that of a dealer and a drug addict. They are stuck in pressing each other's pleasure buttons: the need to abuse and the need to be abused (remember that Eurythmics song?), the need for money and the need for drugs.

There are millions of couples around us like that, maybe even us - not as dramatic as the sadomasochist couple but very similar in essence. We all tend to take account only of our actions and emotions without examining the cause of them, be on the effect side, like my favourite coach Phillippa Mole says.

A very common pattern is a relationships where one party is narcissistic and the other is co-dependent. The latter wants to be loved for all wrong reasons: for example because they were emotionally rejected by a parent and now they try to re-create that relationship and make good for what happened in the past but this time around with someone else. There is an element of thriving on rejection in that, because all too often, what the co-dependent is striving to recreate is that very unhealthy relationship with their parent(s). Despite aspiring for love, the codependent subliminally (because all this happens as all parties involved are jerked around like marionettes by their unrealised behaviour patterns and urges) does everything to be rejected once again. In other words,s/he falls into the same script, because it was never brought up to the conscious mind and analysed for what it is.

In terms of transactional analysis, the co-dependent's script is "I'm not okay, you're okay". No surprise then, that the complementary party to this would have the "I'm okay, you're not okay" script, which is that narcissistic person who thrives on rejecting love and emotion. The underlying cause of that can be a previous trauma (emotional rejection) or an inherited pattern from an "I'm okay, you're not okay" parent who was perceived to be in the winner's position.

I have seen people for whom this (the narcissist script) was a self-defence mechanism against low self-esteem - they would project their insecurities on others, thus justifying their self-worth. Although they may appear to be riding the high horse, in fact, they are perpetuating a loser's script.

Deep inside, a narcissist would crave love but on the outside s/he would find pleasure in denying it to the other, just like someone before did it to them. That often leads to a "bad cop/good cop in one ball" script, where the narcissist alternates attracting and rejecting the co-dependent. That, in its turn, attracts the co-dependent because it fulfils their both urges: for love and for rejection. First s/he get a hope of love and then s/he gets the huge emotional kick of rejection. That scenario keeps both parties interminably busy with pressing each other's "pleasure buttons" (and pleasure is not joy!).

It is a very detrimental pattern because the energies here are wasted on re-confirming the neuropaths of deriving pleasure from negative stimuli: neediness, trauma, rejection, and emotional deprivation. Both parties thwart each other's emotional and all other kind of development because essentially they are busy recreating negative scenarios from the past over and over again.

How do you break from that? It is hard to see beyond the surface of what we do and are when we are embroiled in the very midst of a eddy of emotional bonds. Like I said before, we tend to look at the surface of things and events without trying to see what they mean. When you see that something in your relationship does not work, especially if it repeats time after time again, sit down and ask yourself why, or even better have someone else do it for you, a good therapist, for example - so keep asking yourself why until you get to the bottom of things.

Eric Berne's Games People Play can provide a good insight into how it all works. Also have a look at the Obssesive Love Wheel and see how much you can relate to it.

So is there a hope? Sure there is: a healthy relationship is like a good shared meal and is realistically attainable.

The infinite source of true love

Talking about corruption of words: we say "I love him", "I love ice-cream", "I love my mother", "I love my country". For one very confusing word love, Greeks know a few. Two of them, agape and erotos stand for unconditional and sexual love respectively, while philos describes just simple liking.

We all always have an infinite amount of agape, it's like an ocean of love inside of us. We only need to know how to discover and channel it. It takes finely tuning your mind to the vibration of that kind of love. The task would be much easier if, gliding superficially on the plane of life, we would not get caught in the ripple and waves of erotos.

If you dive deep inside the agape ocean, leaving behind the fascinating waves of sexual lust, you experience a much more powerful and lasting kind of love. It takes some courage and dedication to leave the easily accessible and so exciting waves on the surface, whose nature however is to come and go, never stay.

When you find a person who is also in touch with the ocean, it is a never-ending trip of swimming through the warm embrace of water with all the wonders of the sea coming your way. It is amazing how the right people are send to you, when you are ready for that kind of experience. Once you are there, it is effortless, you don't need to chase and ride the top of the wave to feel love, because love is everywhere around you and fills up the inside of you too.

Why are egoistic people attractive?

There is some bizarre attraction in egoistic, self-consumed people. We are drawn to them like moths to the light bulb. But how do you deal with them without ending up getting hurt?

I am still on my learning curve but this is what figured out: always keep in mind what you can and what you can't get from them. You can't hope for a true involvement because egoist's main relationship is always with themselves. Enjoy what you can and don't hope for much. They are never relationship material. Once you've sussed out their nature, keep your emotions in check, don't let yourself tumble for the wrong person.

alexander mcqueen suicide bipolar

What I find most shocking Alexander McQueen's suicide one month ago is that out of all the people who flocked around him and claimed to be his friends, no one bothered to be around him when his mother had died. His diagnose as bipolar was even in his Wikipedia article, yet it occurted to none of his alleged friends to be next to him to help him tide over the rough patch. All it would have taken was just a phone call or a visit by someone who was actually concerned with Alexander's well-being.

By some strange twist of fate, his muse and fairy godmother Isabella Blow, who also killed herself a few years earlier, was also bipolar. They were supposed to be bosom friends

give take balance perfect relationship

It is curious to observe how people only expect to get something in a relationship - be it a casual sex fling or something more lasting. Although lasting here is quite an overstatement. It is doomed to come to a quick (or a long and painful) end, if all you hope is to gratify yourself.

The secret to success, as always, lies on the surface. If both partners take care to learn and satify the other party's needs, then it will be a prefect symbiosis. For example, if in sex both partners work hard to give maximum pleasure to it all will be starry sky and fireworks. The opposite of it will end up in masturbation into a live person.

You also get to learn to much from learning about the other, whilst staying focussed just on yourself will get you nowhere.

What is love and when will I find it?

I'm carrying this huge vessel full of love, I want to give it but not to anyone out there but someone special. Sometimes I think even just someone who would let me love him.

Of course I want some back. Sometimes I think this is no good, after all you are supposed to be giving. Wanting love is selfish. I meditate myself back into a balance but that's like a friend of mind said "being hungry and trying to pretend that you are not".

So why can't I never find love? In hindsight, timing seems to be a problem and sometimes bad communication. I learn to be patient and also make sure my messages are very clear and timely.

There are also people who don't know how to love and are not interested to find out. Or people who think love is sex or those who can fake it.

For me love would start from the initial sexual attraction. It's the hook Mother Nature gave us. I'd enjoy it but I know that passion is bound to fade. That's why I'm looking for someone I can share my values and objectives with. When those basics are right, you can build on them. Once the passion's subsided, the relationship can evolve if you got the basics right.

Mutual spiritual growth is probably the goal of any relationship (for me anyway). Also when the core things are right I can overlook a lot of flaw. Nobody is perfect. I can love a person for the good person that they are. I admire principles, purity, integrity. I can give a sound, time-proof, unconditional love - once my conditions are satisfied.

Seeing the spiritual connection in a relationship

What is important in a relationship is shared values and principles. They last and passion is just a hook. It serves its purpose and then goes.

Sometimes I think every person I have fallen for was sent into my life for a different reason. Sometimes it seems like the message I am supposed to get is that we should not have a sexual relationship, just spiritual, mutually enriching friendship. Well, that's what I want from a relationship anyway: love and spiritual connection. Love can be sexual at first but it evolves, it can't stay on the passion level for ever.

It's a shame that I never get the chance to get this message through. I have even tried to do it directly, just saying that straight to face. I would say that there's more to what is happening between us than the eye can see or the cock may want. We can enjoy sex and passion for now. But it's not the purpose. We are in for much better things together. Sometimes it falls on deaf ears, sometimes it has only a fleeting effect.

I guess I can see more at the moment than the other party. They come back to me years later saying that now they see I was the real thing but then I'm already in a different place, both geographically and psychologically. Sometimes it feels like a curse but perhaps there is just a lesson.

Sex on the first date?

Having sex on the first date is like eating cake before dinner: it ruins the appetite for all the things that are actually good for you.

If your mother and father did not hug you

Interesting how the people who were brought up not knowing love in their non-hugging families, when they grow up, have no idea how to give love and even how to receive it. It scares them because they don't know how to handle it and now amount of love at this stage will change them. Their feelings will always stay shallow and they will seek company of their like.

On Depths and Friendships

It must be the age and the Vipassana: I get to see things in life as they are, the lucid metaphoricity of existence. It is the very meaning and essence of all things and happenings around us but when you are young and not that wise yet you tend to look right past through it, noticing only the obvious material substance.

I'll give an example.

In relationships - love or friendships - you have to meet people at their depth. If you draw them to your depth, they may panic or even drown. Enjoy each person where they are comfortable at. The majority are the beach crowd: let them enjoy their bit of sunshine while you are enjoying yours. Quite a few people are good company to splash along the surf line, with others you can wade deeper in the rougher water. With precious few people you can just swim away never worrying about how deep it is.

Run, Thumbelina, Run! (Jungian Analysis Of The Old Story)

As I observe the lives of my female friends, at times becoming privy to more secrets than I bargain for, it strikes me how some (or probably quite a few) women follow Thumbelina’s footsteps in their quest for partner.

After the wind blows Thumbelina off the windowsill where she is comfortably dwelling inside a flower, she first ends up with the Toad – the wrong guy for her from all perspectives. He is an egoistic manipulator forcing his choices on her with the sole objective to brag about his pretty wife to other toads. He effectively keeps her in captivity because she cannot swim away from the water lily leaf where he put her up. Real life women too often wind up first with totally wrong dudes.

The jolly Beetle helps Thumbelina forget the grievances of living on a damp pond with sleazy amphibians. He's the ultimate party buddy. With him, life is a beach and sex is great too but after a while incessant frolicking may wear out most women. When Thumbelina shows first signs of party fatigue, Beetle’s jaunty buddies expel her, also because they come to realize that she is in fact not their kind, a random stranger in their world of drugs, sex and rock’n’roll.

Harsh realities of life come in the form of winter. Homeless and penniless, Thumbelina trundles wearily through frost and wind until breathless she falls into Field Mouse’s warm and cosy burrow. Field Mouse is a common sense advisor. She goes for safe pragmatic choices for herself and people around her. If your perspective never goes beyond a comfortable ordinary life, then you probably be better off following her sensible judgement. She means well, it is just that her perspective does not stretch beyond the tops of wheat stalk on her field. Field Mouse decides to fix Thumbelina up with Mole.

Mole is rich if stingy; he has a shiny fur coat and is widely respected for his business acumen and vast assets. He figures that Thumbelina is a good investment as she can’t possibly eat much but will be a perfect accessory to his affluence. Thumbelina is not happy with him but he provides security and shelter to weather out the winter. Her spiritual needs are satisfied through taking care of a sick Swallow who she shares her meagre half-a-grain-a-day ration with. Giving nurtures hearts and help them stay pure and warm through life’s hardships.

When the spring comes, Thumbelina’s rough patch is over. She is free to go but does not know where to until she asks Swallow. Thumbelina’s goodness of heart is rewarded with a true advisor who knows what her heart needs. Swallow flies high and sees things from a broader perspective. She knows there is more to the world than cosy lives in warm holes.

Thumbelina summons enough courage to leave the security of her life with Mole and fly away on Swallow’s back. Making up your own mind and taking decisions is very important to your true progress. No amount of advisors’ wisdom can bring change into your life, it is your courage and action that does that. Plunging into uncertainty can be scary but it offers an infinity of possibilities while staying in your comfort zone provides only safety that one day will kill you.

Thumbelina’s dive into the cold high sky on Swallow’s back takes her to the end of her journey. Finally she is rewarded for all her trials and tribulations. She’s had enough guts not to get stuck with the Mr. All-Wrong for good, nor to party her life away with Mr. Jolly Frolic. She was wise enough to put the Survival Advisor’s directions behind her when it was not about survival any more. She withstood the temptation to sell herself out for a carefree existence as a lady of leisure with Mr. Tight-Wad. Her ultimate reward is a man after her own heart, the Prince of Elves, the one that was meant for her, someone who shares her values and will always understand her because he is her own kind. It is a real happily-ever-after end because here we have a match of true kindred souls.

How many real life women never make it this far. How many drag miserable existence thinking there are no other guys around but their abusive Mr. All-Wrong. How many fritter or even ruin their lives in hedonistic excesses with Jolly Bugs. And how even more settle down for a life in a golden cage with loaded Moles because they fulfil their material desires or because Survival Advisors tell them that it’s the most sensible thing to do. But those who take time and effort to cultivate their hearts and keep them open to the wisdom of True Advisors and – most importantly – those who manage to put safety past them and plunge into uncertainty listening only to what their intuition – the Ultimate True Advisor – tells them, find their Soul Mate.