Games we play in relationships: narcissist and co-dependent

There is a very old Russian joke: What is a perfect couple? - A sadist and a masochist.

How very true: they must be inseparable, both fulfilling each other's needs. On the flipside, it is a very destructive relationship, akin to that of a dealer and a drug addict. They are stuck in pressing each other's pleasure buttons: the need to abuse and the need to be abused (remember that Eurythmics song?), the need for money and the need for drugs.

There are millions of couples around us like that, maybe even us - not as dramatic as the sadomasochist couple but very similar in essence. We all tend to take account only of our actions and emotions without examining the cause of them, be on the effect side, like my favourite coach Phillippa Mole says.

A very common pattern is a relationships where one party is narcissistic and the other is co-dependent. The latter wants to be loved for all wrong reasons: for example because they were emotionally rejected by a parent and now they try to re-create that relationship and make good for what happened in the past but this time around with someone else. There is an element of thriving on rejection in that, because all too often, what the co-dependent is striving to recreate is that very unhealthy relationship with their parent(s). Despite aspiring for love, the codependent subliminally (because all this happens as all parties involved are jerked around like marionettes by their unrealised behaviour patterns and urges) does everything to be rejected once again. In other words,s/he falls into the same script, because it was never brought up to the conscious mind and analysed for what it is.

In terms of transactional analysis, the co-dependent's script is "I'm not okay, you're okay". No surprise then, that the complementary party to this would have the "I'm okay, you're not okay" script, which is that narcissistic person who thrives on rejecting love and emotion. The underlying cause of that can be a previous trauma (emotional rejection) or an inherited pattern from an "I'm okay, you're not okay" parent who was perceived to be in the winner's position.

I have seen people for whom this (the narcissist script) was a self-defence mechanism against low self-esteem - they would project their insecurities on others, thus justifying their self-worth. Although they may appear to be riding the high horse, in fact, they are perpetuating a loser's script.

Deep inside, a narcissist would crave love but on the outside s/he would find pleasure in denying it to the other, just like someone before did it to them. That often leads to a "bad cop/good cop in one ball" script, where the narcissist alternates attracting and rejecting the co-dependent. That, in its turn, attracts the co-dependent because it fulfils their both urges: for love and for rejection. First s/he get a hope of love and then s/he gets the huge emotional kick of rejection. That scenario keeps both parties interminably busy with pressing each other's "pleasure buttons" (and pleasure is not joy!).

It is a very detrimental pattern because the energies here are wasted on re-confirming the neuropaths of deriving pleasure from negative stimuli: neediness, trauma, rejection, and emotional deprivation. Both parties thwart each other's emotional and all other kind of development because essentially they are busy recreating negative scenarios from the past over and over again.

How do you break from that? It is hard to see beyond the surface of what we do and are when we are embroiled in the very midst of a eddy of emotional bonds. Like I said before, we tend to look at the surface of things and events without trying to see what they mean. When you see that something in your relationship does not work, especially if it repeats time after time again, sit down and ask yourself why, or even better have someone else do it for you, a good therapist, for example - so keep asking yourself why until you get to the bottom of things.

Eric Berne's Games People Play can provide a good insight into how it all works. Also have a look at the Obssesive Love Wheel and see how much you can relate to it.

So is there a hope? Sure there is: a healthy relationship is like a good shared meal and is realistically attainable.

Run, Thumbelina, Run! (Jungian Analysis Of The Old Story)

As I observe the lives of my female friends, at times becoming privy to more secrets than I bargain for, it strikes me how some (or probably quite a few) women follow Thumbelina’s footsteps in their quest for partner.

After the wind blows Thumbelina off the windowsill where she is comfortably dwelling inside a flower, she first ends up with the Toad – the wrong guy for her from all perspectives. He is an egoistic manipulator forcing his choices on her with the sole objective to brag about his pretty wife to other toads. He effectively keeps her in captivity because she cannot swim away from the water lily leaf where he put her up. Real life women too often wind up first with totally wrong dudes.

The jolly Beetle helps Thumbelina forget the grievances of living on a damp pond with sleazy amphibians. He's the ultimate party buddy. With him, life is a beach and sex is great too but after a while incessant frolicking may wear out most women. When Thumbelina shows first signs of party fatigue, Beetle’s jaunty buddies expel her, also because they come to realize that she is in fact not their kind, a random stranger in their world of drugs, sex and rock’n’roll.

Harsh realities of life come in the form of winter. Homeless and penniless, Thumbelina trundles wearily through frost and wind until breathless she falls into Field Mouse’s warm and cosy burrow. Field Mouse is a common sense advisor. She goes for safe pragmatic choices for herself and people around her. If your perspective never goes beyond a comfortable ordinary life, then you probably be better off following her sensible judgement. She means well, it is just that her perspective does not stretch beyond the tops of wheat stalk on her field. Field Mouse decides to fix Thumbelina up with Mole.

Mole is rich if stingy; he has a shiny fur coat and is widely respected for his business acumen and vast assets. He figures that Thumbelina is a good investment as she can’t possibly eat much but will be a perfect accessory to his affluence. Thumbelina is not happy with him but he provides security and shelter to weather out the winter. Her spiritual needs are satisfied through taking care of a sick Swallow who she shares her meagre half-a-grain-a-day ration with. Giving nurtures hearts and help them stay pure and warm through life’s hardships.

When the spring comes, Thumbelina’s rough patch is over. She is free to go but does not know where to until she asks Swallow. Thumbelina’s goodness of heart is rewarded with a true advisor who knows what her heart needs. Swallow flies high and sees things from a broader perspective. She knows there is more to the world than cosy lives in warm holes.

Thumbelina summons enough courage to leave the security of her life with Mole and fly away on Swallow’s back. Making up your own mind and taking decisions is very important to your true progress. No amount of advisors’ wisdom can bring change into your life, it is your courage and action that does that. Plunging into uncertainty can be scary but it offers an infinity of possibilities while staying in your comfort zone provides only safety that one day will kill you.

Thumbelina’s dive into the cold high sky on Swallow’s back takes her to the end of her journey. Finally she is rewarded for all her trials and tribulations. She’s had enough guts not to get stuck with the Mr. All-Wrong for good, nor to party her life away with Mr. Jolly Frolic. She was wise enough to put the Survival Advisor’s directions behind her when it was not about survival any more. She withstood the temptation to sell herself out for a carefree existence as a lady of leisure with Mr. Tight-Wad. Her ultimate reward is a man after her own heart, the Prince of Elves, the one that was meant for her, someone who shares her values and will always understand her because he is her own kind. It is a real happily-ever-after end because here we have a match of true kindred souls.

How many real life women never make it this far. How many drag miserable existence thinking there are no other guys around but their abusive Mr. All-Wrong. How many fritter or even ruin their lives in hedonistic excesses with Jolly Bugs. And how even more settle down for a life in a golden cage with loaded Moles because they fulfil their material desires or because Survival Advisors tell them that it’s the most sensible thing to do. But those who take time and effort to cultivate their hearts and keep them open to the wisdom of True Advisors and – most importantly – those who manage to put safety past them and plunge into uncertainty listening only to what their intuition – the Ultimate True Advisor – tells them, find their Soul Mate.