Olympic Torch Epic - What's The Point?

The ice-caps and glaciers melt, polar bears are stranded, Pacific islands are flooded and the media tries to talk us out from taking vacations abroad - and the Olympic torch starts its "highly symbolic" 136,000-km journey around the world.

A handful of Tibetans protested, but Green Peace and the ilk don't seem to mind the tons of fossil fuel burnt for this rather pointless publicity stunt originally invented and promoted by the Nazis.

"Sporting chivalrous contest," Hitler declared just before the first ever torch was lit, "helps knit the bonds of peace between nations. Therefore may the Olympic flame never expire."

Chief Beijing organizer Liu Qi pointed out that the summit of Mount Everest was on the torch's destination list, "testifying to the great strength of the Olympic movement in marking the progress of human civilisation". Exactly how?

Good Tidings Of Great Joy

The headlines list of latest news alone could give you a major neurosis: wars, catastrophes, financial scandals, air and road crashes, natural disasters, bomb explosions, hostage crises, violent protests. News agencies also make sure you never miss a single freak accident in the world: every alligator attack and private jet emergency landing is broadcast to every TV-owning household in the world as The Breaking News. The few far-and-between pieces with any positive tint are unfailingly sex, glamour or sports-related.

In the words of Professor Preobrazhensky from Russia's beloved The Heart Of A Dog, 'Never read Bolshevik newspapers before dinner!' The Bolsheviks long dead and gone, we are still fed the daily diet of gory carnage and human misery.

Luckily, some want to make a difference. Optimist World's News section puts together positive developments, of which there seem to be quite a few, despite the gloom and doom of the mainstream media. The website also has Travel, Sports and Business sections where listings are arranged in more mindful way than we usually see. Feels like a gulp of fresh air.

Iraq War Started By A Hoax! It Is Official

Last night on Jeremy Paxman's Newsnight it was revealed by people such as Colin Powell and Wilkinson (the head of the CIA's European operations) that the premise for war Iraq was a hoax.

Even more, it turns out that it was known prior to the war to both the US and British intelligence services that the ONLY informer on whose testimonial of Saddam's biological, chemical and nuclear thereat was based was a fabricator. The man in question - an Iraqi chemical engineer who defected to Germany - made up lies about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction hoping to speed up his asylum application and German citizenship procedure. His former boss alleged that he "was doing it for his family".

But if you look at the headlines line-up of the BBC World Service, there is no sign of this scandalous revelation. We are treated to such defining moments of the humankind's history as a Norwegian house collapse, Singapore grounding an A380 and a Finn held over an Easter Island ear.

That is exactly how information is controlled in free societies - by swamping important news with an ocean of factoids and anecdotal pieces.

Heian - My Favourite Historical Period

Back in the olden days my teacher of Old Japanese wouldn't make us memorise ancient verses or multi-level tables of verbs conjugation. Instead, she could make us feel as if we lived in the period.

She was a zany bohemian divorced from a renown Buddhist priest, addicted to sake and short strong cigarettes. Her deliciously dilapidated wooden house in Nara, Japan's original capital, was exposed to all the world's winds - just the way it was supposed to be to satisfy traditional aesthetics. Every day she would travell 3 hours one way to come to tell us about the beauty of Japanese black lacquerware, the advantages of eating with chopsticks over Western cutlery, or her clandestine (and imaginary of course) affair with the author of Tsurezuregusa. She would back up her views with citations from ancient poets while puffing away smelly Gauloises.

* * *

Heian aristocracy chose the colours of their clothing according to the season, travelled around in bull carts, believed in free marriage and 10 thousands gods and didn't form families. Bisexuality was a norm (among the elite, at any rate) and Heian criteria of female beauty were long hair and verse-writing skills. Women took steam baths and blackened their teeth with pine tar. To keep their elaborate hairdos intact they would sleep on a wooden chip as a pillow. The Japanese character for pillow still has the "wood"radical in it.

After a night of love, it was customary to exchange self-written poems dealing with the the encounter as the theme. The poems were evaluated on the style, content and calligraphy. There had to be an allusion to the season and an allegorical reference to the encounter itself, all expressed in a strictly defined number of syllables. Not a mean feat after a night of steamy love-making. Clumsy poets stood lesser chance to get laid afterwards.


There was hardly any furniture in their minimalist palaces and no animal meat on their tables - recently converted Buddhists they were careful about not spoiling their karma for future re-births. First Japanese literature classics - Makura No Soushi, Tsurezuregusa and Kagero Nikki - date back from that period as well as the most recognizable classic Japanese graphic concept - yamato-e. Heian emperors were continuously engaged in fighting for living space with the mysterious Emishi people - the indigenous pre-Japanese inhabitants of the islands.

Yes, and they had no idea about Europe, which at the time was dragging a miserable existence through the Dark Ages.

Same Old Friends Forever?

This was my favourite show and I think it was brilliant. Each and every one of the Friends cast has starred in feature films since the show ended and it couldn't be more disappointing for a former fan: it turned out they can only play themselves.

Same mannerisms, same facial expressions, same ways of delivering gags, same everything as in the good ole days minus Phoebe's songs (which she didn't write herself anyway). It is as if they are afraid to scare away their luck by trying something beyond their Friends characters. What a dud, they really should have retired with the millions they earned when on Friends and stop disappointing their fan base time and time again! Yawnorama.

Spreading Globally The Message Of Patriotism

"A US container ship approaching the Suez Canal has opened fire on a small Egyptian motorboat selling local merchandise. One man was killed and two others wounded, reports say."

It would be just yet another episode of the big guy's high-handed approach - what else is new? - but for the ship's name, the Global Patriot. Now, Alanis, this is what you can call "ironic".

Democracy - Always A Luxury Funded By Slave Labour

The first democracy ever - the Classical Greek one - was a society of leisurely arts and sports inclined gentlemen supported by the slave labour of thousands.

Modern democracies, if you look into it, are just the same, only we have managed to move slavery outside our borders. The First World is relishing its enlightened existence while sapping resources from the Third World through the intricate yet overwhelmingly powerful financial system. In the irresponsible Neo-colonialism model, the coloniser still benefits from exploiting the colonised country yet is exempt from the responsibility of managing it.

The millions of illegal immigrants in the US - a country founded by slave-owning gentlemen - contribute greatly to the economy, yet are mostly barred from the access to education, social security or healthcare. The present EU model is more benevolent but in principle is very similar. The new members provide cheap labour and energy-extensive industrial manufacturing base on top of the estimated 500,000 trafficked 'slave' workers. Investment from the "Old Europe" are business projects primarily aimed at expanding trade markets for well established European multinationals.

In a similar fashion, the Western aid provided to Africa goes to funding projects awarded to Western companies or just promptly travels back to the Swiss accounts belonging to the ruling African elite. Thus, in the world's leaders in luxury Champagne imports like Nigeria, the bulk of population suffers their whole lives in abject poverty.

Curiously enough, it is a known fact that all the profit the Arab oil-producers made from the 1972 Oil Crisis ended up in Western banks. That's the way it is, riches attract more riches.

I could continue on and on, but I think I have made my point. It's all shamefully unfair, but well, who said this world is a fair place?