Miliband's Bitter Words And Sour Grapes Go Largely Unheeded

Not that anyone in the world cares anyway, but one day after the French- mediated ceasefire in Georgia British Foreign Minister David "Batshit" Miliband delivered a fiery vitriol against Russian involvement in South Osetia. The only reason it became known is because the CNN didn’t have to translate it to put it on so they just did.


In the best tradition of Mock The Week, let’s dub his philippic with what he really means by what he says. Hugh Dennis and Frankie Boyle would be perfect at it!

So there we go, what Miliband actually means is in italics.

"Russia had been trying to assert the concept of "ex-Soviet space", which was "not acceptable".
("We won’t accept it but we can do nothing about it. Our hands are too short to try and squeeze Russia’s balls.")

"Russia had adopted a 19th Century approach and "blatant aggression" in Georgia, when it should be asserting itself economically."
("However, last time they gently wrung our balls peacefully and cut off our gas supply, we were very, very pissed just the same. They should better try to starve Georgians to death like we did to the Irish.")

"It's not good for Russia to continue to believe that it is suffering a hangover from the collapse of the Soviet Union.”
("It took us 60 years to get over the British Empire. You should do it quicker.")

“There's no such thing as ex-Soviet space."
("It may overlap with ex-British space. We don’t like it.")

"The "new map" of Eastern Europe had to be defended in the interests of stability and it was in Russia's interests to do so.
("We have invested too much into our Eastern satellites even though we think they are quiet backward. Where the heck is Georgia anyway?")

"Countries on Russia's borders need to know their territorial integrity was secure."
("That does not apply to Serbia because it does not border Russia. And who but independent Kosovo could make sure our cocaine supply won’t run out?")

"It's not in Russia's interests to continue to hanker for a Soviet past because frankly, it's gone and it's good that it's gone."
("Actually, I am talking about our dear Empire where the sun would never set. Wish we had Russia's guts and never had to suck up big time to our former colonies.")