'Tis the time of the year when the UK habitually goes on a diet of sour grapes - the Eurovision Song Contest takes over the hearts and minds of the extended Europe from Iceland to Israel. Year in, year out UK ends up in Top 3 from the bottom and very time everything is blamed on the political voting by "those Eastern Europeans". The failure of his personal pick, Andy Abraham, to score any this year got Sir Terry Wogan so pissed that he hinted at resignation from the whole Eurovision affair. We all know it is but a figure of speech and we are still in for many years of his dyspeptic commentary.
It is true that at least half of the Russian win was based on the douze points from the countries with sizeable Russian-speaking populations but that alone could have never landed Dima Bilan a victory. Wogan's allegation that it is all about "those Eastern Europeans" simply does not hold water: how come then every nation in Europe - including Western ones - except Ireland and San-Marino gave zero points to the UK? On the other hand, Bilan's Timbaland-produced power ballad was rewarded with scores from 6 to 10 by Hungary, Romania, Georgia, Croatia, Czech Republic and Poland that have little or no reason to be pro-Russian - if you know a bit of history. But such intricacies are completely lost on our toffee-nosed Terry: to him they all are just "those pesky, cliquey Eastern Europeans".
What UK's massive track record of nul points proves is that even when it sends its best national contest entries, it still shoots off the mark: the very sound of British songs is too foreign to the Continental ear. As Britain's separate identity from Europe has been underlined, celebrated and at times exaggerated throughout history, so the Anglo-Saxon musical aesthetics doesn't cut it with the listeners from across the Channel.
Even Britain's idea of what can make it in the Eurovision turns out way off the mark each year: this year's bookmakers' favourite, Botox-intensive Ms. Perelli of Sweden only managed to score high from Finland and ended up No. 18. It can be that Britain is not in tune with what Europe likes because its nose is too deep up America's butt in their glorified "special relationship". Instead of bridging gaps with the rest of the continent, it likes to imagine that the Atlantic Ocean is narrower than the English Channel and mimics every cultural or economical trend of its former colonial Big Brother and voilà le resultat.
Britain's best attempts at faking the "Eurovision winning sound" never-failingly end up too drag, comical and tongue-in-cheek. This year, UK's honest attempt at presenting itself well in the Eurovision fell flat for a different reason: original indigenous British music sound is not what the rest of Europe likes. Last year's Scooch was just too gay and tacky, this year Andy Abraham stood no chance because he was too cool - the Anglo-Saxon way, which in Europe makes little impression. Nice try but no cigar, bud.
There is a dogged tendency on the UK's part to underdo it or overkill it every time, will it ever be able to get it right or will it walk away huffed, puffed, miffed and pouty to never play with other children again?
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